What?!?! There’s actually a National Save A Spider Day? What do spiders do? Weave. Big deal. Nothing against weaving (or knitting or macramé), but let’s be honest, once the web’s slung, the spider just sits around and waits.

I sat in my room for hours doing nothing and my parents thought I was in a cult or something. They sent me to see this guy named Lyle who has a clipboard and glasses and is about as useful as an old tin cup because all he does is repeat everything I say, like some echo you have to pay by the hour.

I didn’t even hang string from the walls! I wasn’t in there lurking, ready to spring on a meal if it was dumb enough to get too close (except the one time mom dropped that candy bar by the door), but you don’t see them coming up with a National Save Elliot T. Snodgrass Day.

So the next spider I see is getting squashed. Well, if they ever let me out of this room with these padded walls. And why is it okay for me to spend hours alone in here? That’s all I was doing at home.

© 2007 Dave DeGolyer. Original for CCF (DeGolyer grants CCF first electronic rights for one month; CCF may archive the material indefinitely and include it in an eBook anthology).